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861. We'll Never Have Paris

Published October 7, 2018

Title: We’ll Never Have Paris Director: Simon Helberg, Jocelyn Towne Year: 2014 Run time: 1hr 32m

“In a story based on true events, Quinn (Simon Helberg) has been in a devoted relationship with Devon (Melanie Lynskey) for several years, and is ready to propose marriage until a gorgeous blonde co-worker reveals her love for him. Quinn immediately has second thoughts about matrimony and ends up terminating his relationship with his long-time better half. After a brief relationship with the blonde, Quinn quickly realises he’s made the mistake of a lifetime, so he sets off to Paris, where his one and only true love has moved, to win her back.”

Live blog

2:03 - Yay, Alfred Molina! 3:49 - “It’s a condition. Treatable. Marriage, I mean” 6:56 - Those glasses are epic. 11:45 - Don’t see what’s wrong with one person, if they’re the right person. 13:10 - “My hand span does seem smaller.” Weird thing to happen. 18:30 - You can corn your own beef? 21:03 - Don’t break up with someone when they’re in the bath. 22:32 - “Obviously your brain is trying to tell you something.” 32:07 - Stealing a whole plant seems a bit OTT though. 38:36 - I wanna go on holiday with this guy, he seems like fun! 41:20 - Facebook is evil. Drunk Facebooking is the worst. 50:28 - Must be so good to have family or links to another country, just to make that introduction a bit easier. 57:24 - I really feel like the first time to try a cigarette is not when you’re trying to impress. 1:03:31 - It IS selfish to have gone out there. Surprises suck. 1:04:31 - House of the Rising Sun sounds so much better in French. 1:09:04 - Fast forward to me catching up on Duolingo again. 1:14:57 - Stalker! 1:17:50 - Tumult is an excellent word. 1:22:26 - “There’s a ring in my trunk,” is a rubbish proposal. 1:26:59 - IT GOT WORSE.

Conclusions

Oof, wanted to like this because, you know, Big Bang Theory fans, but this did not go down well. There were a few fun moments and I loved Alfred Molina, but for the most part, this was a painful watch. Quinn is just not a very nice or interesting character, which doesn’t help when the entire movie is based around his bad decisions and then his attempts to rectify them.

I spent most of the film thinking she could do a lot better than him, and then waiting for something to happen - but it felt like the same scene was repeating over and over again. Either the story wasn’t told very well, or it really wasn’t worth telling.

Rating: 1/5

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