Title: Octopussy Director: John Glen Year: 1983 Run time: 2hrs 11m
“Roger Moore as James Bond is lured to the Indian palace of Octopussy (Maud Adams) where he learns of a plot by a diabolical villain (Louis Jourdan) that could destroy the world.”
2:02 - In all the Bond films so far, I still end up marvelling at the reversible jacket. 5:51 - I’m not sure you can store a supersonic jet in a horse box. 11:04 - Fleeing clown is not camouflaged. 16:04 - The clown was a double oh! Not very inconspicuous. 17:22 - Russian dude has the inflection of a Dalek. 19:25 - Sulky dictator is funny. 27:30 - “Well, my backhand improved.” 33:03 - That is a massive chequebook. 33:37 - Dice rage. 38:34 - Covering up that advert is super genius. 49:22 - I hope that octopus wasn’t supposed to be threatening. It’s cute! 1:01:00 - If you act like a dead body, peeps gonna throw you around like a dead body. 1:03:12 - Elephants don’t make for good chase sequences - it’s not elegant or fast. 1:10:53 - Bad guy is wearing the Blofeld tunic now. 1:17:09 - Ohhh, I liked Vijay. 1:19:31 - I take it back. That’s not a cute octopus at all. 1:34:05 - This is the most convoluted plot ever. Still not sure how the jewellery and the bomb actually fit together. 1:41:16 - It’s bizarre that he managed to get in the monkey suit without anyone noticing. But not the craziest thing we’ve seen today. 1:55:12 - Oh sure, just shoot a gun at the bomb why don’t you. 2:00:13 - Bond picks the slowest form of transport, impossible to control and with a massive flag on the side. Dear me. 2:08:06 - Haha, credit for “Thug with yo-yo.”
I tweeted that Moonraker was the Bond film to date, and expected that to be the low point. Sadly, Octopussy plumbed new depths of terrible, but for totally different reasons. Where Moonraker had a rushed plot with laughable ideas, Octopussy felt like it could have been good - but it was all wrong.
There was the makings of a normal, sensible Bond plot in there: evil people trying to cause chaos and needing to be stopped by a super duper international spy. Sadly, it was bungled together with some dodgy circus acts, some worse than ever sexism (you always expect a little bit with Bond, but he’d been getting better of late), some drawn out subplots, and a general feeling of unlikeableness.
I quite liked Vijay too. Hopefully we’ve hit the low points now, but I’ve said that before!