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The Jewel of the Nile

Published April 24, 2021

The Jewel of the Nile

Film info

  • Title The Jewel of the Nile
  • Director Lewis Teague
  • Year 1985
  • Run time 1hr 46m
  • Genres Comedy, Adventure, Action, Romance
  • Tagline They're back again... and romancing a brand new stone

In the blockbuster Romancing The Stone, novelist Joan Wilder and wanderer Jack Colton went sailing off into the sunset together. In this thrill-packed sequel, Ralph is back on their trail and they're back in the fast lane on a perilous trek through the fierce North African Desert. Not even treacherous tribes, deadly dungeons and seemingly endless villains can stop this trio from finding, once and for all, that mysterious jewel.

Live blog

TimeComment
4:19Her typewriter is incredible. Triumph!
5:00Oh. The Triumph is at the bottom of the ocean now.
7:55You can deliver flowers to a boat?
11:58Woah, he caught the champagne cork in his hand… I need that, am terrified of them.
13:17I mean, he’s right to be suspicious but he could choose his objections more carefully.
20:00“Wherever you’re going, I’m going. Where are we going?”
25:58I feel like shooting at the wall isn’t the best way to get rid of graffiti you don’t like.
33:02I admire her spirit but she is literally the worst spy ever.
36:29“Jack wouldn’t die without telling me.”
38:25Pages is not a unit of time.
46:31This is the slowest escape in a fighter jet ever.
54:35The Jewel is adorable. Just Joan!
1:05:06The body paint is pretty intimidating.
1:20:24Sometimes I respect this woman, sometimes I think she’s an absolute liability.
1:21:48“Your ass is grass and I’m a lawnmower.”
1:26:00Haha that she wrote it and a double laugh that he hasn’t read it!
1:27:23This random visual effects guy is so weird.
1:27:52OMG are they doing Riverdance?
1:39:50The music that sounds like that Olympics riff is doing my head in.

Thoughts

You can feel the desperation behind this, to have a hit like the first movie… but it’s just too much of everything and yet somehow a whole lot of nothing. If it was a spoof movie, I might have thought it was okay, but it’s not, it’s trying to be an action-adventure-comedy. The music was awful, the story pretty nonsensical, and some of the actions of the heros inexplicable and irritating.

I quite liked the Jewel, he was fun, but couldn’t redeem what was genuinely a terrible movie.

Rating: 1 / 5

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